“Happy Birthday to my Amazing Wife.”

“To the One That I Love.”

“To My Fabulous Wife!”

“To my lovely wife! Sending you love and kisses too, and hoping your birthday is as wonderful as you.”

I really hate picking out cards. Whether for birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries, or whatever, I find it truly frustrating—particularly cards for my wife.

I pulled another card from the display featuring a cute cartoon couple on the front.

“Forget the past. You can’t change it.

Forget the present. I didn’t get you one.”

Funny, but not appropriate.

Red hearts, roses, lace, pink bows, kissing silhouettes, and crazy cartoons—mush—how’s a guy supposed to choose.

The card racks stretched on… aisle after aisle. I had come to the Halmark store next door to Albertsons Grocery after spending way too much time in their card section with no luck. I figured that if I couldn’t find one at the king of cards store, I would have to give up.

I am not a mushy romantic. My wife and I don’t have cutesy names for each other like “sweety” or “dear” or “my little love muffin.” She is Teresa, and that is what I call her. So picking out a card that says how much I care without getting all soft and gooey is a real challenge. But time was getting short. The party was in a few hours and the pressure was on.

Ah, here is one that might work, I thought as I zeroed in on a card with swatches of pastel colors and devoid of flowers, hearts, or lace. The practical greeting had a simple list on the front.

“To my wife who is – Beautiful”

Yeah, I can live with that. She certainly is attractive. In fact, she isn’t aware of how beautiful she is.

“Intelligent”

That is certainly true. I can have my desk covered in papers and she can spot the one typo seconds after walking in. She knows where our budget stands off the top of her head while I spend hours working the numbers. She reads constantly. Yep, she’s intelligent.

“Trustworthy”

Whether it’s the kids with a problem, friends needing help, or my emotional support, we can trust her to be there. And, never once, have I ever questioned her loyalty. Trustworthy certainly applies.

“Caring”

By all means. Sometimes I think she is a bit too caring. She is deeply involved in the life of her family and friends. Put a big checkmark beside that one.

“Helpful”

All too true. She is always there to help whenever asked, particularly when her kids or grandkids request it. Often to the point that I get volunteered in the process.

This card looks like the winner. I paid the outlandish $6.95 for the piece of paper and colored envelope, and left Halmark pleased with my choice.

Later that evening, with the family gathered around, my wife opened her presents to oohs and aahs. Three daughters, their families, and a few other relatives smiled gleefully as each present was revealed. Then it was time for my present and card. She slid her finger under the lip of the pale blue envelope, pulled out the card and began to read.

Her eyes got big and her mouth dropped open. Her hand went to her cheek as she let out a surprised, “whaaat?”

Two daughters looking over her shoulder cried out in unison, “Daa-aad!”

Confused by the unexpected response I answered, “what?”

“Why would you get a card like that for mom?” the eldest daughter fired at me.

“Like what? I thought it was a nice card.”

“Nice? Do you even know what this card says?”

Now I was totally confused and I’m sure my face showed it. “Yes. It says that your mom is beautiful, intelligent, trustworthy, caring, and helpful. What’s wrong with that?”

“You really don’t see what’s wrong?” the second daughter chimed in.

“No I don’t.” I reached for the card and took it from my shocked wife’s hand. “Let me see that.”

There was the list, just as I said—all good attributes—each one neatly lay below the other in attractive type. What was the problem? The puzzled look on my face signaled the others that I was totally oblivious to what was right before my eyes.

“Look at the first letter in each word” the eldest said.

There it was, spelled out vertically in bold letters, the beginning of each word. B-I-T-C-H

I was flabbergasted. How could it be? “This is a Halmark card,” I blurted out. “If you can’t trust Halmark, who can you trust?”

Seeing my surprise, the whole family burst out laughing. I tried to act nonchalant, but it was difficult to conceal the red flush that warmed my cheeks. There was no doubt I would be hearing about this for many years to come.

* * * end * * *